The government of the Metropole has published a report in which they thrash, first with a stick of celery, then with a woman's boot and then with a machine gun, the claim that there was a U.F.O. that experienced a collision with the ground in the Atlas Mountains in Algeria in the small hours of the morning last Wednesday.
"[If] there was a U.F.O." said François Bribe, a man who was available for comment at the time of going to press, "but of course there was [not] a U.F.O. - the soldiers who were in the region at that hour, they would have surely seen it, but because there was [not] a U.F.O., they saw nothing. It's as simple as that."
The claim appeared when a duck, dressed as a disabled camel with a red hat, the latter disguised as a small monkey, paraded through the streets of Paris with several billboards which seemed to advertise a new kind of crocodile cheese, but in fact they spread a secret message about a research project on materials of extraterrestrial origin, supposedly instigated by General Jacques Massu.
"The camel [duck] was outside my house," said Michele In-The-Street, 46, surrounded by ten policemen, disguised as her six children, who were in fact at school, "and he said that a new kind of cheese, which I should buy, was discovered in a U.F.O. in Algeria."
A report published by the French government said that the duck was a spy and the rumours were "as absurd as the disguise of that spy".
General Jacques Massu was not available for comment on his involvement in these affairs, but a spokesperson said that "Massu was not the duck. I repeat: Massu was not the duck."
The caption on the image of the UFO crashing in the mountains reads: "This didn't happen".
This is a partially-translated version of the article in the newspaper that Jeanne is reading on the train:
The caption on the image of the UFO crashing in the mountains reads: "This didn't happen".
The Newspaper
This is a partially-translated version of the article in the newspaper that Jeanne is reading on the train:
End of the World? Barber in Takeover Bid for this Newspaper
"The Barber wants to cut us," said Jean-Louis Quarante-Neuf-Rubriques, editor in chief of La Terre.
The Barber has made a takeover bid for La Terre, offering 31.2 euro-cents. Quarante-Neuf-Rubriques, supported by 306,531 signatures by readers of the newspaper, has called the offer "absurd" and is in the process of negotiating a price that would be more "respectable".
How many pages could a newspaper cut if a newspaper could cut pages? The Barber wants to cut all the pages - all the pages of La Terre. But what will be La Terre's haircut?
Dominique de Rasage, reader of La Terre for 118 years, commented: "C'est une indignation, c'est une atrocité, un scandale, une atteinte, une dévastation, un pillage, une désolation, un ravage, une chute, une peine, un effondrement, un renversement, un bouleversement, une flombée, une tombée, une somme, une gomme, une pomme, pure et simple." Madame de Rasage added that she is totally against the takeover.
Note that La Terre and Le Barbier are references to the real French newspapers Le Monde and Le Figaro respectively (since in the plays by Pierre Beaumarchais, Figaro was a barber).
Locations
The internal scenes in Africa were filmed in a room in a local secondary school. Unfortunately, building work was going on at the time of filming, and this is the real origin of the hammering noises that can be heard during these scenes. We tried to cover for this problem by having Monique failing to get Mr. Opango (the never-seen builder guy) to be quieter.
The train scene was not filmed on the TGV in France, but on a First Great Western train in England. You can tell because the electric sockets are of the wrong type. The ferry scene was filmed on a green screen, though the railings are a still photograph of genuine ferry railings and the backgrounds were recorded from a genuine ferry crossing. The scene on the cliffs was filmed at Boscastle. The scenes outside the 'Tent Modern', which are ostensibly in London, are actually in Swindon. The inside of the Tent Modern is a tent in Leonard Stanley village hall, which is also where the wedding reception was filmed, and where the green screen stuff was done. The 'really posh London shop' is actually in Pembroke Dock in Wales. The exterior of the hotel that the couple goes to is in Cheltenham. The interior of the hotel is a bed and breakfast in Leonard Stanley called The Grey Cottage, which is also where the scene with the ninjas was filmed. The zebra crossing is in the town of Stonehouse.
The scenes in Marseille (except the wedding reception), Paris, Land's End, Stonehenge and Loch Ness were filmed on location (though some parts of the Loch Ness scenes were on a green screen). The shots of the London Underground, Rodborough Common and the M5 motorway are also genuine.
Assorted Trivia
- Thomas and Questa are supposed to be 32 and 30 years old respectively.
- Jeanne's character was male in a very old version of the script. A couple of uses of 'he' to refer to Jeanne are even now present in the final cut (in Claire's lines on the phone). This is why.
- The aliens come from an exoplanet that orbits the star Edasich (Iota Draconis), 103 light years away. This is the planet that is seen at the start of the film, in an animation made with Celestia.
- The 'alien language' is, of course, just backwards English. For example, the species of "vain, pathetic aliens" is called "the vain, pathetic aliens" in reverse. I will leave it as an exercise to the determined reader to work out what the other alien words mean.
- The alien instruction manual mentions exotic particulates called "Tartuffium" and "Mèrecoupablium", which are references to a play by Molière and a play by Pierre Beaumarchais respectively. These would have been supported by the extract from one of these plays that's on the back of the map of Paris, but the back of the map of Paris is never visible in the film.
- The alien instruction manual exhorts its readers not to use the multiverse manipulation machine to visit the year 2022. When Jeanne appears outside the London shop, she claims she's "13 years early again" and blames "stupid multiverse manipulation machines".
And next comes my conclusion.
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